The source of my passion:

My parents divorced when i was 18 months old. My dad drank constantly and did drugs, which resulted into him being mentally, verbally, and in some cases physically abuseive. My mom struggled as a single parent and really was doing the best she could. She left me with a baby sitter who ended up sexually abusing me and doing far worse; while my mom thoguht He was safe; but Satan took any open door that he could to try and destroy me. I bounced bank and forth from home to home unsure of what love was and where i belonged. I was 4 when my childhood innocence was taken advantage of. One inappropriate touch from someone my fragile heart trusted-changed my life forever!
It started with little things such as fondling, but soon turned into more inappropriate and very inhumane sexual acts being done to me and by me. I loved him wiht childlike faith not conscious of evil being done to me and formed a sick and twisted love and loyalty to someone who never really loved me as an individual, but only for what i could give him as a little 4 year old. He was nice to me, calling me beautiful; masking the violation with times of fun.
He would abuse me in the woods of parks, in the tent while camping, in campground bathrooms making me take showers with him, and ofcourse in the secrecy of his bedroom as we "watched cartoons" and gave eachother "massagages." At times it even involved some of his friends. I became the trade off for His drugs, I was nothing more than an exchange for His next high.I was sickly devoted to him, because i was so little i never knew how men were supposed to treat little girls...my dad never cuddled me that i can remember. I didnt know that love looked any different from what i experienced each day. The years went on and on and by the time i was 9 or 10 the abuse had gotten worse. I would picture I was in another place and disassociate as he and others abused me because of how traumatic and demoralizing it would be. Otherwise i tried to make myself enjoy it...not sure how to handle it otherwise. I kept telling myself someone would come and save me eventually. He would tell me how beautiful i was in one breath and threaten me with death in the next. As much as i hated what he was doing i never wanted him to leave me because i was convinced his sick mind control and manipulation hidden with fun, was love. He was the only guy in my life that spent time with me and treated me like a princess-atleast part of the time.
Even through the hurt i experienced, i felt i needed to protect him and stay loyal to him. I have big gaps of time i don't remember and many jumbled thoughts i can't place in order. When i was 11 I began going to church and got saved, and light was shed into my darkened, broken soul that made me realize that what was happening to me was not normal! As men continued abusing me I would try to tell myself what was happening was OK, but i couldn't deny the pain any longer. I began saying no but my cries were ignored,until one day i came out and told my mom what was going on. After 2 court hearings my abuser got 5 months in jail and 3 years probation which IS NOT ENOUGH COMPARED TO THE PAIN AND SUFFERING A CHILD ENDURES!!!
My life was filled wiht terror and the aftermath of abuse i endured. I remember seeing dark shadows everywhere, having nightmares, and never being able to fall asleep at night without crying. Unfortunantly just because the abuse stopped the effects of it didn't go away. I was told i was beautiful by my abuser and that i was a failure by my dad; and in 7th grade i had a major identity crisis. i was confused and felt out of control of my life and that intensified as the years went on. It brought me into self hatred, cutting, and an eating disorder.
Although my pain was shown through scars on my arms, stomach, and legs; those shown outside didn't even come close to the hurt i felt inside. My abuser died a year after he got out of jail from a cocaine overdose, but the threat he made didn't. For 4 years i couldn't sleep at night without being terrified someone would rape me or kidnapp me in my sleep!
The cutting got out of control in my life, I was in a deep spiral of depression and thoughts of suicide loomed. In the midst of the brokeness, denial, and secrecy, I grasped God and found his TRUE LOVE which changed my life forever! I went to a resident home called House of Hope for troubled teens in Battle Creek, MI and it was there that I found stability, security, and unconditional love. God is breaking chains of abuse and victimization. He has shown me real love, joy, and wholeness through those who have come up and fought with me to win the battle in my soul! I have fought hard...but MANY have fought with me! I have seen the aftermath of abuse from my babysitter, uncle, and dad in my own life and the silence, secrecy, and denial that goes with it; and i would honestly NEVER wish it on my worst enemy!
The silence and secrecy was what led to isolation and cutting and eventually drove me to my knees realizing it was surrender to God or death. I have seen many broken hearts and tears shed over childhood innocence lost, and i will NO LONGER SIT BACK IN SILENCE as more children are put on the frontline! I am now standing up and voicing my battle cry for the innocent souls that have been lost and broken in this war, and i pray that a whole army of young people will wage with me!